TAURUS
APR 20 – MAY 21
If you have to hear the mockingly optimistic jingle of the library’s self checkout machines one more time you’ll ram your highlighter down its receipt slot! Take a break in the toilets: on average seven mental breakdowns a day occur in there during third term.
GEMINI
MAY 22 – JUNE 20
After enjoying the saturated fatty delights of the season, you’ve ballooned and can no longer access the Learning Zone through the enclosing doors. Word on the street is that there are mini eggs hidden in your flab folds.
CANCER
JUNE 21 – JULY 22
A new era is dawning for you Cancer, as a new planet joins the solar system! A gain for the universe is a loss for you; University is a time to find yourself, and you’ve found you’re a bit of a tool.
LEO
JULY 23 – AUG 22
Some playful experimentation with recreational drugs over the holidays has become a habit upon return to Lancaster. One more sore throat lozenge and your mum is threatening to send you to rehab. Sort it out, Leo, users are losers!
VIRGO
AUG 23 – SEPT 22
Quiet period is a disappointing time for everyone, but fun can always be found in a traditional game of Dizzy Ducks played in the disorientating sloping landscape outside Foxy George and Gz bar.
LIBRA
SEPT 23 – OCT 22
The chill in the air has been replaced by a brisk warmth, coaxing your bike out of the sheds. It’s predicted your muscles will be less ready for the barrage of pain that will face attempts to cycle to town.
SCORPIO
OCT 23 – NOV 21
During a cleaning session, you’ll find a student from Freshers’ Week under your bed. You’d forgotten she’d existed and so has everyone else! Take her organs to the Biology department and nick her Purple card before throwing her remains to Devil Goose.
SAGITTERIUS
NOV 22 – DEC 21
Neptune has over-taken Uranus on the orbital race for success, meaning you’ll get good marks back on that assignment! Celebrate your ingenuity by taking a friend to one of those fish spas and persuading them to put their face in a tank.
CAPRICORN
DEC 22 – JAN 20
Alex Square may be looking fresh, in a cracked-paving-already sort of way, but no expense has been spent on the University’s plumbing system which will fill your taps with sludge! Students would have to be paying £9k a year for clean water, lol. Oh wait.
AQUARIUS
JAN 21 – FEB 17
Very soon you’ll be faced with a burning issue which cannot be ignored. An issue of SCAN that is never read by candlelight! Extinguish promptly before my face burns: SCAN is made from Kendal voodoo paper which they grow there.
PISCES
FEB 18 – MAR 20
Revision’s paying off, Pieces! The information’s finally sticking. During another late night pouring over books, a new sensation of enlightenment and epiphany will come over you! Stand up and take deep breaths, it’s probably just wind.
ARIES
MAR 21- APR 19
It’s the perfect time to start driving lessons as the new moon rises. Haphazard novice driving is best done in the haze of twilight, so other vehicles can’t see how bad you are. A pox upon safety when your reps at stake!
