Sagittarius
Nov 22-Dec 21
A mystical golden phoenix will come to you in a series of vivid, memorable dreams! Each dream phoenix is different; it your task to work out his intentions. He could be out to manipulate, or he could offer style advice!
Capricon
Dec 22-Jan 20
When that loan came in it felt like you’d found the pot at the end of the rainbow… Well it’s all run dry now so you’re pretty screwed. Be extra nice to rich friends! Also I hear the Christian Union give away a lot of food.
Aquarius
Jan 21-Feb 17
Sampling a creamy shot at a bar in town will spark an addiction for Baileys. Chocolaty, creamy, oh so smooth, you’ll want it any time of day. Slip it in your coffee, sneak it into lectures, shot it on the go, sip it in the library.
Pisces
Feb 18-Mar 20
A pregnancy scare this week will put things into perspective, Pisces! Work isn’t really that stressful compared to the social stigma and responsibility of having a child. Life’s not easy, regardless of which paths you choose. Now back to work.
Aries
Mar 21-Apr 19
In an impatient rush to catch the lingering 2A bus, you will be struck down by a civilian motorcar! Only lightly bruised but completely mortified, quickly hobble away into the glittery depths of New Look before anyone sees.
Taurus
Apr 20-May 21
Feeling those mid-term pangs, you will decide to return home for a weekend of comfort and free food. Resist such urges! Your parents’ interrogating questions and incessant worrying will remind you why you left in the first place.
Gemini
May 22-Jun 20
Reading week will throw your entire routine and rigid learning schedule completely awry, casting you down a slippery slope of BBC iPlayer, irregular meals yet an insatiable appetite for Haribo. What happened, Gemini? You used to be cool.
Cancer
Jun 21-Jul 22
There’s a magical place you will find yourself living in over the next week, where all the books for that essay dwell… And it’s called Toys R Us, Toys R Us, Toys R Us! Lol jk, it’s called Short Loan.
Leo
Jul 23-Aug 22
Essay related stress will push you beyond reason! Threatening to jump from one of the platforms over the library to a computery death, you need to chill! It’s not like essays are the reason we’re here or anything… oh crap – jump.
Virgo
Aug 23-Sep 22
You know the invisible worm that flies in the night? Yeah it’s gonna get you and lay its eggs in your belly. Then when they hatch you will feel queasy and poo them out. They will wait until night and then fly away.
Libra
Sep 23-Oct 22
At this time of term it is tempting to go awol in the communal kitchen with the glitter and fake snow, etc. Venus warns you, libra, decorate before advent and you will come down with an incurable case of tinselitus.
Scorpio
Oct 23-Nov 21
You will hurt your flatmates’ feelings this week by choosing to live next year with friends from your society rather than them. Explain gently, you couldn’t see it working in the long-term, you’ve found someone new. You can still be friends.
